Matthew's Fanfiction

A Brittana (Santana and Brittany) Fanfiction


Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--


Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" played through Santana's iPod. It wasn't something she would normally listen to, in public at least, but the lyrics matched how she was feeling right now. As she sat up in bed with her warm mink blanket pulled up tightly over her shoulders, she sang along, a single tear running down her left cheek as she thought about Brittany.
Through her open curtains, Santana could see the full moon shining brightly in the night sky. It filled her with a sense of nostalgia and sadness and she wished so bad that she could go back to how things used to be. Back to when Brittany would stay over and that same moon would shine it's loving light into the room, onto the bed where they lay together, snuggled up as the wind howled through the eaves on stormy nights or as they spread out over the entire bed on balmy summer evenings, mosquitos buzzing in their ears. She wished they could go back to when they were best friends at school. And back to when Artie wasn't Brittany's stupid boyfriend. Back to when they were happy....


If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I will be waiting
time after time


The lyrics spoke to her. She was lost and didn't know which way to go. During sex ed week, Miss Holliday had really helped Santana. It was through singing with her that she realized the nights she spent with Brittany felt different to those she'd had with Puck or Finn. She had come to realize that she loved Brittany and she wanted to be with her.


Santana looked over at the clock. 02:05am. Argh! Santana thought. What the hell am I going to do? I can't sleep, I can't eat. All I do is sit in bed all night and think about HER. She is driving me nuts. I have to tell her how I feel.... otherwise, I dunno what will happen.


Santana dragged herself out of bed, pulling the heavy blanket along with her. She sat down in front of her computer, the blanket drapped over her shoulders, and began typing.

Brittany,


I know everyone thinks that I'm a bitch, and I don't blame them. I'm from Lima Heights, which puts me on the wrong side of town and I have a reputation for not taking crap from nobody. I say what I think and I don't let anything, or anyone stand in my way. Even around you, I have this guard up, these prison walls that I never let down. I keep everything inside this cold grey cell and never, ever let a single ray of sun shine through.
I'm sad and lonely and I put up this tough sister-act kind of deal to hide it and make everyone think that I'm okay, but I'm not okay. I'm not.
And you know what, Brit? I only just realized for myself what's wrong. I only just realized why I always feel this way, why I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and why I skulk around school with this attitude, as if a huge black rain cloud is following me and I've forgotten my umbrella.
I also know why every time I've slept with Puck and that time I selfishly took Finn's virginity, I know why it didn't feel right or "special" like everyone says it's supposed to. It's because I'm in love with you. Those nights we spent together, although I didn't realize it then, they were the ones that I will cherish and remember. They were the nights that meant something.
Shit Brittany, you're all I ever think about and I can't believe you rejected me like that the other day. I came to you because I love you and I trusted you and I thought you felt that way for me. Or I thought that you at least felt something for me. But no, you tossed me aside, you told me that if it didn't work out with Artie, then you'd come for me. If it didn't work out with Artie? Is that supposed to make me feel better? That's putting me second, Brittany. I can't be that person, I can't wait around for you.

Santana sat staring at the last line, "I can't wait around for you".
I can't wait around for you. 
I can't wait around for you. 
The words kept going around and around in her head. 
If I can't wait around for you any longer, then who or what do I have to wait around for? 


Santana stood up and walked over to the window. She had a view of downtown Lima, the myriad of lights twinkling below in the valley. She knew what it was like to have a tough life. Her parents were always at work. Her brother was always with the gang, smoking crack or getting into trouble. Boys had taken advantage of her. She'd always been a C-grade student, excelling only at Glee club and cheer-leading. The only thing that could have made her life better, worth living even, was Brittany. Brittany was the only one who could light her life, brighten her up like the town below. But she couldn't have her. 


Tears rushed down her flushed cheeks and she let out a frustrated scream. FUCK! All she wanted to do was end it. End it all. But it was all too easy. She'd had a tough life. She'd been fucked over, sure. But there had to be more. Surely.... She picked up the phone. 


"Hello?"
"Miss Holliday? It's Santana.... you said I could call if I needed you."
"Oh hey darl, you know you can. What's up..?"




after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time-- 


if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time 


if you're lost...
...time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time